A Drunk’s Thunks – Journaling His Life Changes

By Michael L. - Martha’s Village & Kitchen

   Editor’s note – Michael’s transition from the person who arrived at Martha’s Village & Kitchen to the one who is taking charge of his life is documented in excerpts from his writings over a period of months. He shared them with Chemical Dependency (CD) Program Manager Pam Surabian.

   A Drunk’s Thunks
   (three weeks into CD program)
   Here I sit, while my mind goes on blinking.
   I used to sit, while I was a-drinking…
but not anymore, cause I’ve quit my damned drinking!!! But my mind doesn’t stop, oh no, no, no…
   I’m thinking, I’m thinking but I’m not you see, for really I’m just Blinking …
   I wish I could “hocus” and “pocus” and get me to focus. I’m sure I’d be fine, if only I’d mind and refine the force actuating my mind. But alas!!! For this moment in time, I believe this is better, Blinking or Thinking – ‘tis far and away much better than drinking and stinking – or so I’m now thinking.

   Walls
   (five weeks in-program)
   The walls I perceive are all about
   Barriers I see to support the doubt and frailties hidden from view, obscured
   They are from me, but not from you.
   These walls are decorated by me to relieve me of my humanistic insecurities,
   But for you they are as a mist, no more than just dew which must vanish as a
   Haze, by merely a glance you read them right through….
   These walls I perceive must come tumbling down in order for us to obtain
   Our own crowns, and we must bow our knees to the highest power there is,
   And surrender ourselves to live in accord, with His will and His word.

   The Challenges of Change
   (sixteen weeks in-program)
   The primary challenge to change lies with our so-called comfort zone. When we become uncomfortable enough, we will opt to change our position. However, for many of us the degree of discomfort needed is not as clear cut as we would like and the right position to adopt can be equally difficult to distinguish.

   Therefore, most of the time, it is determined by trial and error, the base of which is in our feelings. We hurt! We hurt ourselves and the ones we love in our search for consonance rather than dissonance. It is a hard road to tread, lined with pain and sorrow.

   So! What do we do – when we are sick and tired of being sick and tired, of feeling sick and tired and ready for a change? Where do we go for some valid, viable solutions, just where should we look?

   We must look forward. We pick-up the appropriate tools and learn to use them. Our primary tools have been our minds and our hearts. We have become accustomed to relying upon them to take us where we wanted to go and they have failed. Why? Because all a mind can do is react and respond – no, our mind is not the actual primary tool we should use, although we ought to train it to work for us and not against us.

   The primary tool we should focus on is the force actuating the mind – our attitude is the key and our attitude should be that of gratitude. “Grateful people are Happy people” and when you’re not… you are Not!!

   Martha’s Village & Kitchen
   (seventeen weeks in-program)
   Martha’s Village & Kitchen is an oasis in the desert. A haven where basic needs are met, there are also opportunities available. This is a place where one can take a breath, recuperate and regroup. For those willing to grow, a real chance to get “a leg-up” is within reach.

   For me personally my vantage point has changed from one of a hopeless, never-ending struggle against futility to one of having a workable plan, to moving out of the realm of hopelessness and into a situation where I can obtain an education and become employable in an arena where the compensation is adequate to make it in today’s economy.

   Martha’s has allowed me to grow in trust and be less cynical. I have come to love and laugh easier. My direction has gone from simply one foot placed in front of the other to one of working towards a specific goal. I now have a workable, do-able plan and the tools to work with. The benefits I enjoy are remarkable and wonderful, including a safe and sober environment with my child, a fertile place of opportunities to engage and develop my talents and sharpen my skills. Thank God for Martha’s Village & Kitchen and for those who make it work.

Note – At press time, Michael has gone forward with his education plans. He is
currently enrolled in computer tech training classes at a community-based training center. He continues in his sobriety (tenmonths) and shares his insights with others in our Village’s aftercare group. He also is working part-time for a local business. n